Modern Day Flashers
- The Secret Keeper
- 6 days ago
- 4 min read
Every year, about this time of year I get at least one creeper.
What do you mean? I hear you cry. Well, what I mean is someone, whether a text, or caller that is clearly engaging in what could only be described as “flasher behaviour”.
Back in the day, we don’t hear about them so much these days, it was not uncommon where I grew up in the UK for men, always men, to jump out of the bushes and flash their tackle at you. They usually wore a long, beige mac that came to the knees and underneath little more than a white vest (singlet). Always black socks pulled up and dark shoes. I would be walking to school and bam! Older guy, dangling his gooseberries at me, his arms holding his coat wide open. It happened at least once or twice a year from when I hit about 9 years old until my late teens. This a good article about it and the general response in the 70s and 80s. There are loads more if you Google "flashers guardian news".
They (the flashers) wanted a certain type of response. Of course they got it from me…I was prepubescent. I would gasp, throw my hand to my mouth and run back the way I had come. I was late for school and after I was laughed at and dismissed the first time for telling an adult, I never told anyone again. That was until I was in my early teens and my sister was now a police officer doing public safety talks in schools. Although it was acknowledged, very little was done about it.
Report it they said. And we’ll investigate.
At home, she taught me to point and laugh because it took their control away. So that’s what I did going forward. Took their control away and turned the humiliation back on them. I wasn’t taught, don’t walk through the woods, or avoid the tow path, I was taught, humiliate them and, the unwritten and unsaid part, hope to Christ they run away and don’t kill you.
These days, I’m considerably older, a sex and trauma therapist, and it’s still not taken seriously or investigated as it could be.
A couple of weeks ago I had a text message come through from a ‘potential client’ asking if I would be able to answer some therapy questions. I replied yes and asked when would it be convenient to call. I request to call all my clients to discuss their requirements because I have neither the time or inclination to text for ages. Plus, generalised anxiety is not something I work with unless it’s resulting from other things (such as PTSD). The reply to that was “I feel embarrassed to call sorry, especially at first”
My spidey senses immediately started tingling.
I responded with a simple, ‘What’s your question?’
What followed was a series of texts telling me about a habit that has been occurring since they where in the early teens and they’re now doing 5 – 6 times a day and it’s it not illegal.
I kept my replies professional, factual, using correct language, all the while knowing he was undoubtedly hoping I’d be shocked, probably with his d*ck in his hand, just waiting for a scandalised response. He wasn’t going to get one.
After a few minutes of my time, I told him I had appointments available and if he’d like to book in he could call me. He said he’d “call tomorrow”. He didn’t.
When I was doing my counselling placement at a men’s sexual health service I would deal with at least one of these calls a day. At some point in the call I’d say I would get a more knowledgeable colleague to assist them, then I’d put Bob (not his name) on the phone, they’d hang up.
When I was working as an EAP counsellor I would get them and now in private practice. Always men, and far more common at this time of the year.
The stories don’t even vary that much…
· I have a masturbating habit
· I get an uncontrollable erection when I ride my bicycle
· My trousers/shorts/underwear arouses me uncontrollably
· My partner doesn’t play with me enough
· When I’m out walking I have an uncontrollably urge to drop trou
Now there are genuine reasons why all of these may be a real and concerning issue for some people but there is still ways to approach clinical professionals in a consensual way if help is actually required.
In fact I have helped men with all of these issues (except the bicycle one) and more because their approach was, open, honest and clear in the help seeking. They’ve been upfront about the concern, requesting a session from the outset, and a willingness to meet face-to-face. Old mate on the text was evasive, cagey, and using language designed to evoke a response. He did not get what he was seeking.
When this happens on a telephone call you can usually hear the cues. Shortened breath, shortened thinking time (they already know why they’re there), a story that sound oddly familiar, and language designed to get a response, slang term for genitalia etc, when they’re calling. When this happens I find a way to talk about consent. After all I don’t have a male colleague to pass the phone too… the topic of consent always shuts it down.
As for the chappie over Christmas, the police had this say when I made a casual inquiry to confirm my suspicions (I was at the cop shop for something else), “no direct threats were made, no nonconsensual imagery was shared, and are you reading just a little too much into it?” And they wonder why sexual assault and abuse goes under reported.
These type of occurrences are rare in practice, but they do happen. Be prepared to maintain the control, chuckle to yourself, and not give them what they crave.
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If you’re a therapist and would like to know more about how to handle this type of behaviour, both Frances and Rodney are qualified supervisors, please send us an email or comment below how you deal with it.
The Three Degrees knew what was up!
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